What’s Fear Have to Do with It?

By Amy Barnes, MBA MA LMHC

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?  In fact what would you do differently today?  Does your fear keep you from what you most want?  Do you find yourself making excuses instead of going after what you really want in life?  Imagine like Indiana Jones who had a fear of snakes, you were tossed in a pit of writhing slithering snakes or do you have a fear of high places or even speaking in front of a large crowd.

What keeps you from following your dreams, from maybe even having dreams or from doing and being your best?  Can you feel the fear by the tension in your shoulders or neck or your upset stomach or at 3:00am as you toss and turn and play those what ifs from your last relationship over and over and over again in your mind.  So how do you deal with your fear?  Do you constantly worry? Maybe you’d love to fine the shut off valve for all those thoughts running around in your head: fear of what other people think, fear of losing a job, fear of not being good enough, fear of being rejected, fear of being committed, fear of being in over your head, fear of being alone, fear of being smothered or controlled by another person. 

Fear keeps us frozen, afraid to alter our course or to try something new.  Fear keeps us numb and from being our best.  Many of us are not aware of our fears.  We have long ago stopped questioning them.  Instead we just think that’s how life is.  We may not even think a better life is possible or that we are even worthy of a better life. Fear can keep you paralyzed from making decisions or fear can force you into making a decision long before you are ready to do so 

Faith is the opposite of fear.  Faith is a belief in the abundance of the universe.  Faith is also a belief in our own capability, to believe in ourselves and our own ability to succeed.

Fear is about scarcity.  Everything is in short supply and I probably won’t get what I want.  The more you tend to bring your fear in the light: to acknowledge it and to share it with others the more it seems to disappear.  Try writing a list of all your fears no matter how large or how insignificant.  Share your fears with a friend.  Sharing your fear with another whom you trust, means you no longer have to deal with your fear alone.  Fear is like excitement without the breath.

The more we fear the more stuck and limited our world becomes.  As our faith in abundance and love increases, we often find more abundance and love in our own lives.  How do you start each morning, with your focus on fear or faith?  Where would you like to put your focus?

Copyright 2006

Kindness Costs Us Nothing

By Amy Barnes, MBA MA LMHC

My son’s favorite book was The Phantom Tollbooth, by Norman Jester.  A fantasy where the bored ten year old protagonist, Milo, travels to various lands including one where you must watch what you say because you are required to eat your words.  Chocolate ice cream would have been my favorite phrase.  

Our words, and the way we say them, impact others and also impact us.  Like Milo we need to watch both our words and our intent.  During a rough period when my children were young,

I was incredibly angry.  I spewed my anger over everyone I met:  friend and foe, family member and stranger alike.  What’s worse is I was not even aware how angry I was or how my anger impacted others.  No one deserved my anger.  My anger reflected my inability to deal with the situation. Some people deal with difficult situations with sadness, some with denial, some with anger, and some with increased stress and even physical illness.  There are some who deal with difficult situations better than others. 

I am incredibly grateful to those who showed me kindness and graciousness especially when I did not deserve it.  I think that is what grace is.  God show us graciousness, kindness and forgiveness even when we don’t deserve it.  I hope that I am able to show graciousness and kindness to others as it has been shown to me.  I pray that those I may have hurt either knowingly or unknowingly by my words and actions either have or will forgive me even though they do not have to. 

Kindness costs us nothing.  Being kind is about separating the person from the action that hurt us. For most of us this is hard to do.  It does not mean giving in or becoming a victim.  We can be gracious even in the midst of conflict.  Conflict is merely a disagreement and we all have conflict in our life.  It is not about forgetting what happened and setting ourselves up to be hurt again. If you need help dealing with a difficult situation or with your own anger or bitterness it’s okay to ask for help from a friend or a therapist. 

Many of those who have shown you kindness you may never know, for instance: the stranger who gave you a warm smile or the person who not only didn’t cut you off in traffic but also actually let you in.  I was shown kindness by a neighbor who came over last week after my  frantic, late night call, because a hot water pipe burst in the basement.  He came over even though it was quite late and fixed the problem.  That was a true act of kindness. 

Being kind, being responsible for how you treat others may sound to Pollyanna-is for some.  Yet in each day, in each moment, your actions shape your world. I know I am still capable of that anger.  It is unfortunately my natural reaction to very stressful events.  One day last fall I lost it and later felt so ashamed of myself.  Hopefully, I will be able to keep myself from ever going there again.  I continually strive to be a kinder, gentler me.   Like attracts like.  Anger attracts anger and kindness attracts kindness.  My world is now full of kind and wonderful people.  I hope your world is also.  I encourage you to remember the words of one of my favorite hymns.  “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.”

Copyright 20205

What Do You Most Want?

By Amy Barnes, MBA MA LMHC

What do you most want? For some of you that may be financial security, a new job, a promotion, a good relationship with your children, friends, travel or a relationship or even to find true love with your soul mate.  What is keeping you from having what you most want in life?

Several weeks ago I attended a workshop with Marianne Williamson (author of Return to Love, Everyday Grace and Enchanted Love and a number of other books).  She asked us to think about what we most wanted.  Then she asked why that was not in our life right now.   She asked us to look at what we are doing that is interfering with having what we most wanted. 

I think for many of us the first response is, it’s out of my control, take for instance wanting a relationship.  No we can’t conjure up our ideal man or woman.  It’s often easier to blame others or our circumstance for not having what we most want in our lives.  Ironically, blame keeps us from having what we want.  Instead thank about what you do that gets in your way.  You do have the power to change.

The number one reason people do not have what they want is fear.  Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of changing or even a deep seated fear that I really don’t deserve what I most want.  A second reason is lack of belief in oneself, I’m too old or too young, I don’t know how, or I’m too __________.  (You fill in the blank.)

Do you believe in yourself?  Remember the story of The Little Engine That Could?  The little engine needed to pull a train load of toys over the mountain but the mountain was too steep and the train was too heavy and he wasn’t sure any one else believed in him.  As the story begins the little engine certainly did not believe in himself. The story progresses and something changes in the little engine.  He chugs up and over the mountain.  “I think I can, I think, I can, I think I can….”   Do you think you can?

As a therapist I have the privilege of working with people who would like to believe in themselves and get past their own stuck places that are keeping them from what they most want.   Take a good look at yourself.  What are the three things that are keeping you from having what you most want?  You might also do this with a friend or a therapist. 

Focus on what you can control.  You want a relationship yet when you go to a singles event you stand in the corner, don’t smile and don’t talk to anyone.  Learn how to make small talk (it is a learned skill for most of us).  Even if you don’t like small talk you have to start a conversation somewhere.  Next time you go to an event introduce yourself to three new people.  What is keeping you from that new job or promotion at work?  Be honest.  This can be hard we don’t like to look at ourselves honestly.  For some of you, you may not believe in yourself because you don’t see all that you have to offer, you need to focus on your positive characteristics and your self esteem.

You cannot control the results.  You can greatly increase the probability that what you want most will happen.  Above all you will like yourself more in the process.  Enjoy the journey.  

Copyright 2004